Suicide: The Silent Crisis - Crushing the stigma
Suicide: the silent crisis
Three-part series - Part 3
FREMONT - The stigma of suicide is ingrained in our culture.
There are a lot of days where Jonathan Martin wakes up and he’s depressed.
The 28-year-old Fremont resident feels ashamed, although he didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. But the feeling is still there and he can’t shake it.
Martin doesn’t always feel comfortable telling people what’s going on in his head. And everything that’s happened to him since he was a kid, including his suicide attempt at 17, feels like it’s out in the open.
“People are ashamed to talk about that they tried to commit suicide,” Martin said.
He wants to crush the stigma and get people talking about suicide, depression and mental health.
So does the Rev. Alan Brown.
So does Melanie White.
”People don’t want to admit their weakness because they’re afraid people will think they’re weak,” said Brown, pastor of Hayes Memorial United Methodist Church in Fremont.
For Martin, it’s a matter of compassion and finding ways to deal with his own struggles. He wants to show people, especially his son, that it’s okay to share, it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to get help.
He wants to start a conversation.
Helping the faithful cope
To a broken person, suicide is a long-term answer to a short-term problem.
That’s how Brown describes suicide.
“They don’t know how to deal with what they’re dealing with life,” Brown said. He acknowledges that when he counsels people with suicidal thoughts, it can be a long day.
A lot of people think if they go to their pastor, there is a magical prayer that can fix everything, Brown said. But it doesn’t work that way.
As he sat outside the church’s chapel, Brown talked about stigma, religion and what he feels as a pastor about suicide.
At every stage of a person’s life, whether they’re on top of the world or struggling with depression, the church welcomes them, he said.
When a person comes into Brown’s office and says they’re suicidal and feeling abandoned, he reminds them that there are people in their lives who do care about them.
Shame and guilt are common thoughts for people when it comes to suicide and thinking about ending their lives, he said.
At one point, there were some within the church that thought suicide was an automatic ticket to hell, Brown said. But that's not what his church teaches.
“I personally believe that God’s grace is big enough to cover anything that we have to deal with. And God meets us in that moment of despair,” he said.
A number of people suffer from some form of depression. It can be caused by relationships ending, or maybe life choices that didn’t turn out the way people thought they would, Brown said.
If a person is suicidal or having thoughts of ending their life, Brown recommends they talk to a counselor or therapist.
The Fremont pastor has counseled teens, people dealing with midlife crises, and older people in their 60s and 70s who are thinking about taking their own lives. The issues may differ from age group to age group, but those who are considering suicide typically feel a loss of control in their lives and a loss of identity, Brown said.
Sometimes a person has done something that they don’t think they can be forgiven for, he said.
Ask the question
“Are you thinking of suicide?”
It’s a question that White, executive director of the Fremont chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, said family members and loved ones need to ask if they think someone may be suicidal.
Stigma prevents people from talking about suicide and asking for help, she said.
The seeds of suicidal thoughts and attempts often spring from prolonged bouts of depression.
White said that within two weeks of depression setting in, the brain’s neurotransmitters become damaged.
Depression changes behavior, she said. That change could be instantaneous or it could take a while to recognize.
She said she believes depression is tougher for men, because society and the prevailing culture expects men to be strong enough to cope with depression on their own.
”We don’t need to be afraid when someone’s feeling depressed,” White said.
If a loved one sees someone who is suicidal, the most important thing is to ask if they’re okay, White said.
Robin Reeves, deputy director of the Mental Health Board of Sandusky, Seneca, and Wyandot Counties, served as a therapist for several years.
She found that, if asked, most people would talk about suicide and feeling suicidal.
“It takes somebody to ask the question,” Reeves said.
Individuals with mental health issues or suicidal thoughts have many issues that prevent them from coming forward, Reeves said. It could be not knowing what might happen, fear of a hospital stay, or fear of being put on medication.
In Reeves’ opinion, at least 75 percent of people have had suicidal thoughts at one time in their lives, with 25 to 30 percent of the population having more than a passing thought of suicide.
”There are some individuals that are suicidal every single day of their lives,” Reeves said, adding, “it doesn’t mean they’re going to act on it.”
Hard to tell family members
Sometimes, individuals haven’t even told families they have a mental health issue.
Before Nate Kehlmeier told anyone in his family about his suicide attempt, he first opened up to his sponsor.
Kehlmeier, 34, of Genoa, became addicted to heroin for a year and a half. In the throes of the addiction, Kehlmeier robbed people to feed his habit.
That included breaking into his mother’s best friend’s house and stealing jewelry from her, Kehlmeier said.
He stole from the people he thought wouldn’t turn him into the police.
When he attempted suicide, Kehlmeier was hurting mentally, to the point that he can’t describe it years later.
He wanted to end his battle with heroin addiction.
With no job, feeling extremely depressed, and tired of hurting those he loved the most, Kehlmeier broke down and hatched a plan to take his life.
“I was at such a low in my life,” he said, adding, ”I figured I was going to die using dope.”
Only 25 at the time, Kehlmeier’s craving for opiates — initiated when he hurt his ankle a few years earlier — had intensified into a crippling heroin addiction.
One day, Kehlmeier decided to buy what he described as an excessively large amount of heroin and shoot it into his veins, with the intent of killing himself via overdose.
”When I put it in the needle, the needle clogged up,” he said, recounting the details of his attempted suicide inside Genoa’s town hall on a cold, rainy afternoon in early December.
It took Kehlmeier a while to tell his family and other friends that he had tried to take his own life. He didn’t want them to think he was weak. He didn’t want to hurt them.
But he finally told them.
”It felt like it took a little weight off my shoulder,” Kehlmeier said. “They knew I was at a bad point in my life. They didn’t know I had gotten to the point where I tried to kill myself.”
mcorfman@gannett.com
419-334-1052
mcorfman@gannett.com
Part 1
What drives a person to suicide?
Part 2
Loved ones left with questions
More children trying to take their own lives
Part 3
Suicide: The Silent Crisis - Crushing the stigma
First responders get special training for crisis calls
Video documentary
ABOUT THE SERIES
Although many people don't want to talk about it, suicides and attempted suicides are a grim reality and a growing problem in Sandusky and Ottawa counties. Hotlines receive desperate calls for help every day, and emergency responders are dealing with increasing numbers of people on the verge of taking their own lives.
For this three-part series, The News-Messenger spoke to dozens of residents, mental health officials and police officers to shine a light on the dark and often overlooked crisis of suicide.
WHERE TO CALL FOR HELP
NAMI crisis hotline: 800-826-1306
Mental Health and Recovery Board of Erie and Ottawa Counties: 419-627-1908 or 800-627-4999
Mental Health& Recovery Services Board of Seneca, Sandusky and Wyandot Counties: 419-448-0640