NEWS

Columnist: Why I won't let my wife quit her job

Sean Dunbar
Asbury Park (N.J.) Press
Sean and Lauren Dunbar. Sean, 32, won't let his wife quit her job.

Editor's Note: Sean Dunbar, 32, is married with two children. He spent four years in the Marines and Navy Reserve. Here, he explains why he's against his wife being a stay-at-home mom.

As I get older, more of my friends are telling their wives to quit their jobs and be stay-at-home moms.

Many people in our circle repeatedly ask us why my wife works when I make decent money.

I absolutely hate being asked this question so often.

No, I'm not cheap.

I'm not jealous because I can't stay home — and I don't think it's the wrong thing for a woman to do.

Yes, being a stay-at-home mom has many benefits for the entire family.

But I want better for my wife.

Am I a bad man for wanting this? Am I being a male chauvinist for even saying that?

Women look at me as though I have some sort of insecurity for wanting my wife to work. In some ways, that's true — I do have fears about her staying home.

I met my wife while she was in college. She was 20 and pregnant with our daughter by her junior year.

At the time, we had nothing.

The pregnancy was a few years after I got out of the Marines, and I was chasing my own dream to get a college diploma. My wife immediately said she was going to drop out of college to focus on work and earn a living so we could afford the baby.

I knew what college meant to my wife and her family. I told her that giving up on a real career was not an option. I dropped out of college and got a full-time night job at a maximum security prison and two part-time day jobs. I also joined the Navy reserve for the benefits.

While I worked hard, my wife worked harder. She worked and went to school, both full time. She graduated from East Carolina University with a 3.5 GPA, a 1-year-old child and a full-time job.

I watched what that struggle made my wife. She holds her head high and tells people how hard she work for her diploma. After college, we both started new careers.

My wife has always been an all-star at work. She would come home in the greatest mood, talking about her accomplishments. My wife was reaching for goals and achieving goals. She was truly filled with confidence and self-worth.

Then the second pregnancy came.

My wife started getting overlooked for promotions because her employer feared her maternity leave. This crushed her and changed her whole demeanor. She was embarrassed and disappointed to be pregnant in a competitive workforce.

All of a sudden, my wife accepted her position and just stopped trying.

She started asking me whether she could quit her job and stay home with the kids. I danced around the issue, telling her things would get better.

But my wife could not wait to have the baby and be done with work.

By the time our son was born, my own career couldn't have been better.

We could handle my wife not going back to work. We spent many nights talking about options for her: work from home, sell crafts — even get involved in one of those "pyramid schemes" — anything.

Sean and Lauren Dunbar's two children.

I was so afraid of my wife becoming stagnant.

Then, she found something. For the past six months, she's been working from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. — and she loves it. My wife picks up the kids, takes our daughter to tae kwon do and reads to them before bed.

She's not losing time with them and is still fully involved in their lives — it's just harder.

Most of our friends think I'm a jerk because my wife works with the job that I have.

I do wonder a lot whether I'm a bad man for pushing her to do so even though she says she wants to stay home with the kids.

I'm just terrified she'll lose her drive.

The happiest times I have seen my wife (besides with the kids) is when she has achieved professionally. I don't want her to look back and say, "I could have done 'this' with my degree."

I worry if something were to happen to me, she'd have to start over at a much older age.

I'm scared my wife will feel inferior to me — and resent me.

More so, I think about our daughter. I don't want her seeing mommy at home, thinking she needs to do the same because that's what she grew up seeing.

I lay in our daughter's bed at night, talking to her and listening to her dreams about going to Mars or being the first female president.

We don't talk about her dreams of becoming a trophy wife or stay-at-home mom.

I don't want to pay for our daughter's college tuition, just to see her walk away and let a man take care of her.

I don't want our daughter — or my wife — to ever be in a bad marriage and feel they are stuck because they have no experience, no options or can't make enough money to sustain themselves.

A self-sufficient, independent professional also keeps a husband on his toes.

I respect women who find being a stay-at-home mother to be fulfilling and satisfying.

I just have different expectations for my wife and our daughter — what more can I say?